“This final song will have to ours…cuz there’s no one listening after the curtain call…”-from “Curtain Call” by Aya June 29, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Glorious”-Sa-Ra Creative Partners**

 

Part 1…To Be Continued…

I used to hate when T.V. shows would do that…it would be the scene where you’d find out all the good stuff and then TO BE CONTINUED would flash on the screen, and I’d be pissed off for the entire summer as I waited impatiently for the the next season to begin.

For those of you that I left feeling like that after reading the previous entry…I apologize…lol. WHAT…A SISTA WAS VERY SLEEPY!

 

Hmmm…where should I pick up…oh yeah where I left off.

Soooo….

He released me from his embrace and I backed up to get a closer look.  Yeah…brotha mos def got it going on. He was too precise and I felt that shyness creeping up out of me. After one more head to toe appraisal, I exhaled him and mumbled, Look at you in your grown man suit!

He grinned and replied, “Look at you with your eyeshadow and make-up on. You look great.” I silently applauded my extensive M.A.C. collection and make-up application skills. I blushed…still sligthly in awe of the moment. I wanted to reach out and touch him again, just to validate that he was real.  However, a sista also didn’t want to come off soft…so I kept my hands to myself as he guided me toward the elevator to the underground Crystal City Mall (I guess that thang is called…pardon me for being too engrossed in other things to catch the name).

 

We made comfortable small talk as we searched for an eatery up to his standards.  Can I just tell yall…ladies..ladies…it felt so nice to have a man open every door for me to walk through first….yo even something as small as making sure he walked down the same side of the staircase if it was split…man. Chivalry…chivalry is something I could really get used to.

 

He had a call to make to one of his partners during our search and I gave him his space to be his…corporate self. I toyed with my phone…sneaking in a text to the fam…”I’m having lunch with Number One” and responded to their “HOW DID THAT HAPPEN” and “WHHHATTTT” replies. LOL…gotta love your friends man… It occured to me that I hadn’t called my mother and let her know that I made it safely.

“So what are you doing until your flight.”

Well…uhhh…Number One is taking me to lunch…

Now my mother is a comedian…seriously…that Jamaican lady needs her own show….she did this dramatic inhale and replied, “Ooookay….welll call your mother when you’re done with ……………………………..lunch.”  Truth be told…she claimed him as her son-in-law years ago…I guess we just need to catch up right.

I patiently waited for him to finish his call…once again taking him in. This chatising voice in my voice started nagging me…You’re supposed to be working on being just his friend SueZette…why the hell are you looking at him like that??? Truth be told…I wanted to crawl into his skin and just merge with his ass for the rest of my life. I love this man. Like forreal. I don’t care what anybody says…I love him.

 

He interrupted my internal battle with another smile.  I smiled back and let him lead me to this beautiful little Thai place.   I asked the hostess to seat us near the window…claiming I wanted to stare out at the city while we ate, knowing that I needed something else to focus on besides him.

We sat there for two hours….talking and laughing….I was tryna play it cool….just think about him as is he was any of your other homeboys…come on girl you can do this.  That tactic lasted for about …ehhh…10 minutes…and then I started feeling the woman in me that loved the man in him coming back out…you love him girl….stop playing yourself.

The sad thing is…so much went unsaid over that table. As we shared summer rolls and miscellaneous tidbits about our lives, we never really addressed the issue at hand…the possibility of “us.”  I found myself staring more and more out the window..trying to balance my thoughts with his words and playing it cool all at the same time, but my thoughts were tuning everything else out.  Why can’t I stop loving you…is it that you’re my life’s torture…the one thing I’ll never have.

**Sigh**

 

 After lunch he bought me a metro card and accompanied me back to DCA so I’d be on time for my flight back to Atlanta.  He slowly gave me another hug and a kiss on the forehead and asked, “So when are you coming back for another visit?”  I smiled and replied, I don’t know….but it will hopefully be sooner rather than later….

“Where there is woman there is magic.”-Ntozake Shange June 28, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Golden”-Chrisette Michele**

 

Part 1…Back & Forth…

Hey!!!!

No I didn’t come up in here…like it hasn’t been over a week since my last blog entry.  Yes… I…Did!

LOL.  Don’t be salty….that’s just how it is sometimes.  I’ve been HELLA busy.  I mean hella. Too damn busy. Which presents a predicament….where should I start?

I got a new job  **squeal**.  Can I get a Thank You Lawd??!!!!!  I’m so excited…I start next week and I am so thankful for the Creator’s guidance, grace, and mercy.  Faith is an amazing thing.

 

What else…hmmmm..I  took a day long business trip to D.C. last Tuesday, and Number One took me to lunch. Yes…The Number One… 

The skeptic in me was thinking…yeah right…he’s gonna be knee deep in work and I’m not gonna see him…. The optimist was hoping he’d find a second to spend some QT….it had been a little over a year since we’d had an actual face to face…. 

I called him when I landed.  He didn’t answer.

Oh man…here we go….this isn’t going to happen.

A couple of seconds later I got a text, “In a meeting…I’ll call you when I get out…”  My heart started doing this little thumping thing….Uh oh…I am going to see him….Not many people make me nervous…for some reason he does.

I slowly began to evaluate my appearance in the mirror in the DCA  restroom…

Make-up…check…

Smile…check…

Cardigan…check…

Smell good….check…

Why is this lady looking at me look at myself??? Don’t hate baby….be envious out loud!

Dustin the haters off….check

Who knew my self-appraisal would be a waste of time once I got out into the D.C. heat…it was hell…straight up and down….

Shit.

Thankfully, my shuttle bus to the hotel was there in no time…and I found comfort in the cool blast coming from from van’s vents. I made small talk with the driver as I silently tried to will the tension out my neck and shoulders. Yo…you didn’t even come to D.C. to see him…focus on your reason for being here…

My thoughts were interrupted by my phone’s vibrations….

Over the thudding of my heart  I heard “Where are you?”

On my way to my meeting at the hotel…

“Ok, I’m over in that area so I’ll be there shortly.”

Shit…shit…shit…am I ready for this???

 

I didn’t have much time to think about it…once I got to the hotel…I was whisked upstairs and only had time to take a couple of small breaths before I was called in for my appointment.

20 minutes later…I walked out of the room…feeling confident as I made my way to ladies’ room to get one last glimpse at myself before I called him to say I was finished.

I’m done.

“You’re done already?? Where are you? I’m in the lobby”

My heart stopped….and out walked confidence. Damn…I thought I’d have just a few minutes to prep myself for this.

I’ll be down in a second.

I glanced at myself one more time in the mirror and then slowly headed down the stairs….left foot….right foot.

 

I saw him before he saw me.  His head was bowed as he feverishly typed on his blackberry.  Gotdamn he’s lookin really good in that grey suit. Mmmmm really good. I wonder if he knows just how good he looks from this angle?

 Each step down gave me a better view of him…his neatly trimmed goatee…freshly barbered head…handsome face…long limbs…

I didn’t make my presence known until I made it to the bottom of the stairs.

Hello Number One!

I almost melted in the rays of light that beamed from his smile. He rose to his full height, forcing me to cock my head back, and then wrapped me in his arms and gave me a kiss on the forehead. While  I could have stayed that way forever…it only lasted a few seconds….damn girl…..damn damn damn….

 

Ok so I’m sleepy…I’ll continue this later…lol

 

“If you love somebody and you break-up…where does the love go?”-Carrie on Sex and the City June 18, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Walk In My Shoes”-Emily King**

 

Part 1…Truth Be Told…

I’ve been thinking about this post all day.  I couldn’t wait until I found the right moment to sit down and write this. Who knew it would be 12:30 in the a.m. as I wait semi-patiently for my lasagna to finish baking.

 I’ve been thinking a lot about the truths of life…it’s interesting…

 

1. We open our legs a lot quicker than we open our hearts…

It’s interesting to me that as women, we willingly share our bodies in the name of sexual gratification, but we’re pickey about who give our hearts to.  Isn’t their something fundamentally wrong with that? Both parts of our anatomies are equally precious…

 

2.  We give meaning to the meaningless.

Sometimes it just isn’t that deep or that serious…

 

3. It is easier to give advice than to take advice.

While I don’t like either end of this stick…giving or reciving….lol, I’ve noticed that people readily have commentary for other people’s lives, yet rarely want a remedy for their own.

 

4.  Go for yours…nobody’s going to give it to you.

If you want it, go after it. 

 

5. The things most appreciated in this life are the ones we work hardest for.

Nuff said.

 

6. The world owes you nothing.

It’s when you get over the sense of entitlement, that you begin the process of growth.

 

 7. It’s possible to be the one he wants, without him knowing it.

See number 4 above.

 

More truths coming soon….

“When you start drinkin’, especially that dark liquor…who you really are comes out…”-Mo’nique June 11, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Put It Down”-T-Pain**

Part 1…Last Man Standing…

This has been another amazingly random weekend. Well ok..the taking my car into to get fixed early Saturday morning was planned, but everything else…yeah…everything else was unwritten.  Especially the phone call that came in last night as I prepared for a night out on the town.

Typically when I’m in the bathroom with the fan on and music blasting…my cellphone is the last sound that I hear. For some reason though…I heard it vibrating as I prepared to jump in my tub for a quick fresh. I couldn’t hear if it was a specific ringtone, but in fear of missing Reina or Brandy’s call I ran for it. 

I looked at the caller id…and what did I see…Number One’s name.

Shit

To answer or not to answer. Hmmm….

Didn’t I tell you I needed a break from our friendship so why are you calling me…I didn’t say the break was over…

To answer or not to answer.

I answered.

It wasn’t a weak moment answer..it was a curiosity kills the cat answer…Hello, this is SueZette.

“Hey SueZette…this is Number One.  How are you doing.”

Uhm…I’m fine. I’m actually on my way out of the house…can I call you back?

“Sure!”

Ok…Bye!

I’m not ready to talk to you. Not yet…especially since I have other stuff going on right now and because you cannot tell me when my break is over!

I really didn’t give it much thought last night.  I mean briefly, but once we went to the club…it was all pushed out of my mind as me and my girls worked up a black sweat in that hotbox.

But the “should I call him back or not debate raged all morning long….”

 

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Oh No (You Can’t Be Serious)”-Carl Thomas f/ Cham**

 

I finally called him around 3 this afternoon…he answered on the second ring…”This is Number One.”

Hey Number One, I guess your call yesterday was you ending my break.”

He laughed and coyly replied,”What break?”

It’s been a month…well a month and 3 days for those of us who like exactness..and I’ll  be honest, I expected our conversation to be a lot more awkward. It wasn’t….until he said, “Sometimes I’ll be on the computer and I’ll wonder what you’re doing…wondering if you’re in front of your computer too.   I’ve been writing  a lot lately because the person who I share my thoughts with… was taking a break.”

I felt numb for a second.  I didn’t know what to say at that point….it was the way he said it…I can’t explain it. So instead of addressing the issue at hand at that point…I skirted the issue and changed topics.  He missed me. It made me sad. This wet eye thing started happening…I was able to disguise it in my voice, but my pillowcase told another story.

You know one day I know he’s bound to find my blog…I’ve accepted that…and when you do read this…I want you to know that I missed you too.

He’s so funny yo.  Besides writing…he’s also been spending tons of time listening to 80s music….I told him that was clearly not my fault. He said I underestimated the impact I have on his life.

**Sigh**

So we were on the phone for two hours….when I asked the question that started our conversation once again….

How could you end my break…

“I gave you a month…and not a day sooner…I could have text or e-mail you everyday, but I wanted to respect your wishes. I can still remember without looking what your text calling for the break said. I looked up at the calendar yesterday and realized it had been a month…I just wanted to check on you.

 You can go back to being on a break if you want to. I knew you weren’t going to talk to me last night. It wasn’t on your terms. And I know the only reason you called me back today was out of courtesy…you wanted to feel me out to decide what you were going to do..”

So I guess you’re trying to say you know pretty well then, huh?

He laughed… 

I took this break to cleanse myself…in order to be a friend to you…I need to get rid of these outside feelings that I have for you…

“In regards to that part of my life…I don’t know what I’m doing yet…”

 

Xavier asked me again why I like him so much…what was it about him…

If I could put a definitive label on it…I don’t think it would be real…

P.S. He’s single..again…

I guess we’ll always in some way…shape…or form…be each other’s last man standing…

“How can I lose…the love I never had…”-from “The Love I Never Had” by Mary J. Blige June 8, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”When You Love Somebody”-Leela James**

Part 1…In Search of Steadman…

Taking a nap at 9 p.m. may not have been the wisest decision I ever made, but ah well….tis better to have gotten a little bit of sleep than to not have gotten any at all…a wonderful motto to live by if I do say so myself.

 What if Oprah married Steadman?

Don’t ask me where the O marrying Steadman thing came from. 

 Well actually I’ll tell you. I was talking to a co-worker today about another great s-hero and it occured to me, some of the greatest black s-heros have never married… I mean never ever.

In Spring 2001, I had the honor of meeting the wonderful Dr. Dorothy I. Height. At the time she was 91 and talk about sharp….man.  I along with my NCNW chapter president was blessed to be a part of a small panel of women chosen to serve on a committee to revamp the leadership institute. We stayed at the George and Dr. Height’s personal driver served as our guide to the city.  I have to remember to ask Dee to make me a copy of the pictures we took.

Anyway, I was simply intrigued by the fact that the age of 91 Dr. Height not only lived by herself in her high rise, but by the fact that she never married and never had any kids. I guess somehow I’d devised the image in my head that she spent the majority of her life alone…well that was until my co-worker….a DC-er that knows a lot about her life informed me that she did have a male companion that passed away a few years ago.

Say what?

As soon as I heard that….my mind immediately slipped to O and Steadman.

I mean it’s obvious…they have no plans of getting married…if they haven’t already done so secretly (and I doubt they have since the ‘razzi would have been all over that like white on rice).

 

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”My Joy”-Leela James**

 

Hmmm…I guess at this point…does it even make sense for them to get married.  Like what would they gain? O owns the world…or what seems like it.  I wonder what being with such a powerful woman does to the male ego?  Forreal though…there isn’t much that she can’t do for herself. 

In a lot of circles just saying her name is like saying, “Mufasa!”…people just shiver and say…”I love her…sooo sooo soo much.”

No ring…no kids…one of the most respected and powerful women in the world.

This idea of a life partner is interesting…forreal. I mean I want kids, so being without is not an option. Having a Steadman would be interesting though. Like…how do you even convince a man to become your Steadman.

 Wait….I guess being a billionaire might be some leverage.

Maybe I’ll put an ad on Craigslist…

“20-something year-old sista, destined for greatness…now recruiting her Steadman.” I wonder what kind of responses I’d get….

 

Part 2…Zette on the Net…

First I’d like to say greetings to all of my new readers!!! Hey!!! Welcome to my life.

If you haven’t heard…I was chosen to be fly girl of the week!!!!!  I’m excited and honored.  Check me out at…

http://flygirls.typepad.com/fly/2007/06/fly_girl_of_the.html

Also check out my latest article at BlackAmericaWeb.Com.  in honor of Black Music Month!!! Make sure you scroll to the end to see all of the female groups of the 1990s that I celebrated!!

http://www.blackamericaweb.com/site.aspx/entertainment/blackmusicmonth/soundsofsisterhood

P.S.  I’m slowly working on my blogroll, so please don’t take it personally if I haven’t added you yet…baby steps yalll..lol

 

“What kind of fuckery are we?”-from “Me & Mr. Jones” by Amy Winehouse June 7, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Lonely, Lonely”-Feist**

Part 1…The X Effect…

Have you ever noticed that just when you’ve gotten completely over thinking about someone or some situation….someone brings it up and you’re back to thinking about that bull all over again.

I was talking to Neika today…and something said brace yourself…she’s gonna ask something you’re not in the mood to answer.  Mind you Neika is clearly one of my best friends….I mean I’ve only known her since we were what…12…so I’m usually prepared for the point in the conversation where she asks some controvesial question…lol.

Of course this afternoon would be no different…

“So SueZette…have you talked to Number One?”

Oh shit…here we go.

Actually, no I haven’t…and as a matter of fact…I haven’t thought about him until this very second when you asked about him.

“Oh sorry girl…I was just wondering”

Mmhmm

Needless to say…my homegirl is nowhere thinking about any of this right now…and I’m sitting here…trying to get his ass out of my mind….again.

Like week 1…I did the whole…uh oh…did I make the right decision thing….

Week 2…was the…It’s ok week….

Week 3….was the… I’m over it week….

Week 4…nothing….

And now….I’m back to…did I make the right decision.

I guess life is just funny like that.

Hmmm…

“I used to be half-way blind, and now I can almost see….”-from “Jefferson St. Joe” by Joi June 5, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Appreciate”-Plant Life**

 Part 1…Control Issues…

I have control issues.

I recognize that about myself.

Which is probably why I’m sitting here…agitated.

Ok control has such a negative connotation. Let’s just say I like to be in…uhm…I like to direct the flow of traffic in my life. Work…check…Finances…check….Family…check….Friends….check…Social Life…check…Romance…

Romance…

Romance…

Naw see that appears to be the one intersection that clearly needs some redlight cameras… 

I’ve been working on this whole “letting go” thing that Ms. Jo told me that I should try, but I”m starting to think I should have let go like hmmm…years ago because clearly the people I should have let go for…let me go and shit…yeah basically that would sum it up nicely.

I don’t know why I’m even sitting here thinking about it…it’s not like I don’t have tons of other things that I could be doing. I think it has something to do with the fact that this is the first time in awhile that my roster has been completely empty.  I’m talking, like not even my Country Boy coming out to play for a little while. Fucker.

He’ll be back…he always comes back. They always come back…or they usually make some kind of wacky guest appearance…

Needless to say I’m tired of reruns.  Although there are a few episodes I wouldn’t mind Tivo-ing and watching again and again.

I really don’t even think its a sex thing…I think I miss the whole….cakin on the phone thing…naw…see control issue…non-admission of what it is…

I miss companionship…if that’s what you want to call it. I’mma have to find me a little friend. Well a little friend over 6′1”….

What… at least I can control how tall he is…

There’s this speed dating thing coming up for Black singles in a couple of weeks….ehhhh….we’ll see….

“I’ve been waiting restlessly for the words to a song…change it all….”-from “Change It All” by Goapele June 1, 2007

 ** Now playing in my atmosphere…”I Bruise Easily”-Natasha Bedingfield**

 So it’s time for a change.

Change…life’s only inevitable is also a very good thing.  Change signifies growth.  I needed a new writing space…what can I say.  There’s a lot of pressure…writing somewhere for years and years…

 Plus…my new personal website is launching soon and I mean…you wouldn’t take an old broom into a new house would you?

To my old readers…I hope you enjoy my musings new spot on the web…I’m still moving in…give me a sec to make this home…

 To my new readers…welcome to my life…enjoy your stay!