“You know sometimes we ummm, we don’t recognize our dreams inside…our reality and uh other times we’re not aware of exactly what’s real …”-from “Sunshine” by Floetry July 31, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Best Friend”-Tweet f/ Bilal**

 

Part 1…Cute….

 

I despise the word “cute.” Straight up leaves this itchy and dry feeling in the crack of my arse. Add that to the fact that I feel like hot garbage right now…and you get a not lovin it’ SueZette.

Cute needs to be reserved for descibing toddlers, cartoon characters, elves, etc., and not used to describe grown ass women paying very real ass bills. Ya dig?

 

I cringe when people refer to me as cute…and I have to remember in some realm far away from my own its meant to be a compliment. Instead of a biting response…I usually muster a smirkish-smile and say…”Thanks”…all the while thinking…kiss my cute…

 

Which is why it perplexed me last Monday when a gentleman that was holding doors for me..while I lugged my suitcase to my office in preparation for my trip to New York stopped me on my way out of the elevator to tell me that I had cute toes…and all I did was pause…grin…and say thank you. Why didn’t the “cute compliment” sound like a witch scratching the hell out of a chalkboard???

 

It might have had something to do with the fact that I was amazed that he’d taken the time during the 5 minute trek from the parking deck to the elevator to get from the top of my kinky curly head to my bright pink toes peeking out of my cream colored sandals.

The whole encounter was a little weird actually. I mean only I would pack a 41.5 lbs suitcase for a two day trip to NYC…forgetting I was going to have to lug it to work since I was taking MARTA to the airport. As I hopped out of the elevator…verbally lashing myself for overpacking…I looked up to find this tall..attractive man…holding the door open for me.

Honestly, I wasn’t paying attention to him…I was too excited by the fact that I didn’t have to juggle my bags and the door. I didn’t even notice as he rushed around me to open the second set of doors, still caught up in thinking about what the hell I packed.

 

I got a good look at him after I heard a voice behind me say…”I’m not following you…I work in the building too.” I finally looked up at him and said with a smile…I didn’t think that. I was just wondering why there weren’t more automatic door openers so you wouldn’t have to do all of this door opening for me. I took him all in…noticing his height…nice posture..and handsome face…

Over 6′3” check…pretty smile check…hmmm…

 

I thought we’d parted ways as he stopped to dap up the guard and I made my way with all of my crap to the elevator; when he quickly rejoined me at the elevator and pushed the up button before I had a second to think about it.

I only had one floor to go, and as I exited his world stage left…he said, “You’ve got some cute toes…”

Maybe I’ll run into him again…

 

THANK GOODNESS FOR GREAT PEDIS…LMAO

 

“I don’t wanna know what’s under your disguise…And I don’t need to see what’s on the inside…Let me enjoy this cause it was all just a beautiful lie…”-from “Beautiful Lie” by Esthero July 23, 2007

**Now playing in  my atmosphere…”Now You’re Gone”-Floetry**

 

Part 1…Vain Moment…

I like this picture of myself…

Thank you for indulging me in my vain moment…I’m in love with my eyebrows…I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog entry…LMAO…

 

Part 2…Love-n-Marriage…

 

So I found out that a good friend of mine just got engaged and I am so excited for her….man…I can’t believe I’m starting to book my weddings for 2008 already.  I think this makes 4.  Wow.

I guess this is the age that people decide to have and to hold until death do they part. 

Hmmm…not to say that I am not interested in a wedding….it’s the married part I can’t quite grasp.  Considering the one person that I’ve ever thought seriously about spending eternity with has banished me to emotional girlfriendom…I don’t know where I stand on that issue.

 

But the wedding…yo…the wedding is the part I can’t wait for.  Talk about party with a purpose…I’m Jamaican…and if you’ve been to a Caribbean wedding…you know…it’s a bashment fi true!  Yeah…yeah…yeah….I know what I want my colors to be…Eggplant (I’m changing the name to Her Majesty…since it looks a lot classier on the program than Eggplant), Ivory, and Champagne. I know my mother’s giving me away. I want my own best man (Xavier).   I know I’m having one matron of honor (Kimberlee) and two maids of honors (Meca & Diana).  I know I’m having 10-12 bridesmaids.  I know I’m having 2 junior bridesmaids.  I know I”m having 2 flowergirls. 

What I don’t know is…WHO DA HUSBAND? LMAO.

 

Last weekend my mother and I…for some odd reason had this entire conversation about me getting married.  I admitted that in some past, present, or future life…I thought Number One was meant to be my husband.  She said if he wasn’t just make sure that my husband was from the Line of David. 

Homegirl rendered me speechless.  The Line of David?  Now ain’t that some deep ish to say.  Xavier was like..what can you say after somebody tells you that…

Exactly.

 

Part 3…Zette On The Net…

Check out my girl Ms. Tee’s new e-zine Share My Dreams…featuring your’s truly….

http://www.te-erika.com/2007/07/free-your-mind-living-in-big-girls.html

“When you start drinkin’, especially that dark liquor…who you really are comes out…”-Mo’nique June 11, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Put It Down”-T-Pain**

Part 1…Last Man Standing…

This has been another amazingly random weekend. Well ok..the taking my car into to get fixed early Saturday morning was planned, but everything else…yeah…everything else was unwritten.  Especially the phone call that came in last night as I prepared for a night out on the town.

Typically when I’m in the bathroom with the fan on and music blasting…my cellphone is the last sound that I hear. For some reason though…I heard it vibrating as I prepared to jump in my tub for a quick fresh. I couldn’t hear if it was a specific ringtone, but in fear of missing Reina or Brandy’s call I ran for it. 

I looked at the caller id…and what did I see…Number One’s name.

Shit

To answer or not to answer. Hmmm….

Didn’t I tell you I needed a break from our friendship so why are you calling me…I didn’t say the break was over…

To answer or not to answer.

I answered.

It wasn’t a weak moment answer..it was a curiosity kills the cat answer…Hello, this is SueZette.

“Hey SueZette…this is Number One.  How are you doing.”

Uhm…I’m fine. I’m actually on my way out of the house…can I call you back?

“Sure!”

Ok…Bye!

I’m not ready to talk to you. Not yet…especially since I have other stuff going on right now and because you cannot tell me when my break is over!

I really didn’t give it much thought last night.  I mean briefly, but once we went to the club…it was all pushed out of my mind as me and my girls worked up a black sweat in that hotbox.

But the “should I call him back or not debate raged all morning long….”

 

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Oh No (You Can’t Be Serious)”-Carl Thomas f/ Cham**

 

I finally called him around 3 this afternoon…he answered on the second ring…”This is Number One.”

Hey Number One, I guess your call yesterday was you ending my break.”

He laughed and coyly replied,”What break?”

It’s been a month…well a month and 3 days for those of us who like exactness..and I’ll  be honest, I expected our conversation to be a lot more awkward. It wasn’t….until he said, “Sometimes I’ll be on the computer and I’ll wonder what you’re doing…wondering if you’re in front of your computer too.   I’ve been writing  a lot lately because the person who I share my thoughts with… was taking a break.”

I felt numb for a second.  I didn’t know what to say at that point….it was the way he said it…I can’t explain it. So instead of addressing the issue at hand at that point…I skirted the issue and changed topics.  He missed me. It made me sad. This wet eye thing started happening…I was able to disguise it in my voice, but my pillowcase told another story.

You know one day I know he’s bound to find my blog…I’ve accepted that…and when you do read this…I want you to know that I missed you too.

He’s so funny yo.  Besides writing…he’s also been spending tons of time listening to 80s music….I told him that was clearly not my fault. He said I underestimated the impact I have on his life.

**Sigh**

So we were on the phone for two hours….when I asked the question that started our conversation once again….

How could you end my break…

“I gave you a month…and not a day sooner…I could have text or e-mail you everyday, but I wanted to respect your wishes. I can still remember without looking what your text calling for the break said. I looked up at the calendar yesterday and realized it had been a month…I just wanted to check on you.

 You can go back to being on a break if you want to. I knew you weren’t going to talk to me last night. It wasn’t on your terms. And I know the only reason you called me back today was out of courtesy…you wanted to feel me out to decide what you were going to do..”

So I guess you’re trying to say you know pretty well then, huh?

He laughed… 

I took this break to cleanse myself…in order to be a friend to you…I need to get rid of these outside feelings that I have for you…

“In regards to that part of my life…I don’t know what I’m doing yet…”

 

Xavier asked me again why I like him so much…what was it about him…

If I could put a definitive label on it…I don’t think it would be real…

P.S. He’s single..again…

I guess we’ll always in some way…shape…or form…be each other’s last man standing…

“What kind of fuckery are we?”-from “Me & Mr. Jones” by Amy Winehouse June 7, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Lonely, Lonely”-Feist**

Part 1…The X Effect…

Have you ever noticed that just when you’ve gotten completely over thinking about someone or some situation….someone brings it up and you’re back to thinking about that bull all over again.

I was talking to Neika today…and something said brace yourself…she’s gonna ask something you’re not in the mood to answer.  Mind you Neika is clearly one of my best friends….I mean I’ve only known her since we were what…12…so I’m usually prepared for the point in the conversation where she asks some controvesial question…lol.

Of course this afternoon would be no different…

“So SueZette…have you talked to Number One?”

Oh shit…here we go.

Actually, no I haven’t…and as a matter of fact…I haven’t thought about him until this very second when you asked about him.

“Oh sorry girl…I was just wondering”

Mmhmm

Needless to say…my homegirl is nowhere thinking about any of this right now…and I’m sitting here…trying to get his ass out of my mind….again.

Like week 1…I did the whole…uh oh…did I make the right decision thing….

Week 2…was the…It’s ok week….

Week 3….was the… I’m over it week….

Week 4…nothing….

And now….I’m back to…did I make the right decision.

I guess life is just funny like that.

Hmmm…

“I used to be half-way blind, and now I can almost see….”-from “Jefferson St. Joe” by Joi June 5, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Appreciate”-Plant Life**

 Part 1…Control Issues…

I have control issues.

I recognize that about myself.

Which is probably why I’m sitting here…agitated.

Ok control has such a negative connotation. Let’s just say I like to be in…uhm…I like to direct the flow of traffic in my life. Work…check…Finances…check….Family…check….Friends….check…Social Life…check…Romance…

Romance…

Romance…

Naw see that appears to be the one intersection that clearly needs some redlight cameras… 

I’ve been working on this whole “letting go” thing that Ms. Jo told me that I should try, but I”m starting to think I should have let go like hmmm…years ago because clearly the people I should have let go for…let me go and shit…yeah basically that would sum it up nicely.

I don’t know why I’m even sitting here thinking about it…it’s not like I don’t have tons of other things that I could be doing. I think it has something to do with the fact that this is the first time in awhile that my roster has been completely empty.  I’m talking, like not even my Country Boy coming out to play for a little while. Fucker.

He’ll be back…he always comes back. They always come back…or they usually make some kind of wacky guest appearance…

Needless to say I’m tired of reruns.  Although there are a few episodes I wouldn’t mind Tivo-ing and watching again and again.

I really don’t even think its a sex thing…I think I miss the whole….cakin on the phone thing…naw…see control issue…non-admission of what it is…

I miss companionship…if that’s what you want to call it. I’mma have to find me a little friend. Well a little friend over 6′1”….

What… at least I can control how tall he is…

There’s this speed dating thing coming up for Black singles in a couple of weeks….ehhhh….we’ll see….